October has already started, winter is on the verge, days are getting shorter. I like to think of October as my downtime before the big festival days as they bring the crazy schedules and many social gatherings.
October offers a combo of social, winter and pre-festive anxiety. It's like buy one get one free offer.
I am stressed, tensed, depressed, angry but somewhere deep inside happy and excited for coming weeks. Its like someone just used blender in my head to mix emotions which leaves me saddened more than cheery.
Days are just like regular days with sun bright in sky, wind blowing smoothly, birds chirping, sound of traffic, fragrance of home cooked food, daily routine. But everything seems nugatory because my mind is puzzled and rejects to appraise the beauty inside every minute thing that's offered.
My body feels numb, it's in present but my mind is bouncing back and forth in thoughts. I feel so lost and can feel a tight knot in my stomach and my racing heartbeat stops me to concentrate on work.
Let me break in here and use a time turner to take you on a ride back in time to meet younger me. So... 1...2...and 3
🕛🕒🕕🕘🕛
'Shy’, 'quiet' and 'introvert' are few words often used to describe me but I know, the truth is much more devastating. I suffer from Anxiety since childhood. I won't start a conversation with stranger, make eye contact for long, enter a room where people are already seated or visit crowded places, feel embarrassed eating in front of others, going to restrooms or attend parties. It's not as simple as sketched here. Its far more complicated.
Let me break in here and use a time turner to take you on a ride back in time to meet younger me. So... 1...2...and 3
🕛🕒🕕🕘🕛
'Shy’, 'quiet' and 'introvert' are few words often used to describe me but I know, the truth is much more devastating. I suffer from Anxiety since childhood. I won't start a conversation with stranger, make eye contact for long, enter a room where people are already seated or visit crowded places, feel embarrassed eating in front of others, going to restrooms or attend parties. It's not as simple as sketched here. Its far more complicated.
I sit in my room wondering, How to get rid of this Sadness monster that has made my soul its prey?? It's a monster that's always pulling me into the darkness. I fight everyday with an unknown monster that seems nothing more than a shadow. It's like I am on the boundary between light and dark, sadness and happiness. I fight hard to stay in light in hope of happiness.
I try to surround myself with work, try listen to songs, watch movies, paint, sit to view sunsets and sunrises, talk to moon, read romantic novel, ask mom for my favourite dish, pray to God even try to sleep hoping it might end someway.
I lay in my bed trying to get sound sleep but the sound of fan, ticking of clock, cicadas singing, dogs barking, every single thing irritates me in the stillness of night.
Another morning comes and I keep going hiding behind a mask. This is how life goes day by day.
Another morning comes and I keep going hiding behind a mask. This is how life goes day by day.
But now it's getting harder to hide everything inside. Silence is what's killing me. I want to scream out loud until someone hears me. Want to cry until someone comes up and hugs me tight. Want to talk until someone says don't worry I am here because I care.
So I try to pen down my thoughts, my feelings, my worries, my sadness, my loneliness but I struggle to explain them altogether in words. Its hard to explain, Words keep falling and so does my courage and strength. I know I sound insane but this is all I need to say.
Well if I had written this article in my teenage, I would have ended here. Still struggling with the monster, failing every day. But teenage is long gone and we are back in today. 🕛🕘🕕🕒
There were days when I use to say to myself, "I am feeling blue, I don't know what to do."
Soon there came a moment when I realised that anxiety has suppressed every positive emotion and has started effecting my day to day activities, I stood up to say "enough is enough".
Everything that's happening inside my head, needs to be changed because I can't allow my anxiety to control me and my life.
Anxiety is quotidian and its difficult to vanquish it so I learnt to live with it just like you learn to face the wind. Recuperation didn't happen overnight. It demanded lot of hard work, commitment and patience.
The path out of Anxiety is much easier when you come to see that silence is not your friend. You need to connect to the silence within you. Only then you'll be able to understand the disturbance going around you.
This is a process that I started back in my teenage to get myself out from the torment state. The process here is tiresome and Infuriating at times but each step is a milestone in itself.
Step 1: Listing
The first person who can understand and help you is "YOU". So instead of describing my situation to anyone else, I took the matter in my own hands and made two lists.
First list of all my positive and negative emotions that make me swing back and forth and second of Fears.
Because we cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.
Listing not only helped me understand myself better but also make appropriate changes. Every time the list gets altered so does my soul.
The first person who can understand and help you is "YOU". So instead of describing my situation to anyone else, I took the matter in my own hands and made two lists.
First list of all my positive and negative emotions that make me swing back and forth and second of Fears.
Because we cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.
Listing not only helped me understand myself better but also make appropriate changes. Every time the list gets altered so does my soul.
Step 2: Memories
Happy times come and go but the memories stay forever. I try to stick to my positive thoughts and deject every negative one. Whenever I feel I am being grabbed by the shadow of unhappiness, I allow good memories to take over my soul and fill my heart with joy and let it calm my soul.
Credit for this goes to Jk Rowling book "Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban". The is how she described powerful defencive charm.. Patronus charm to defeat dementors..
Credit for this goes to Jk Rowling book "Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban". The is how she described powerful defencive charm.. Patronus charm to defeat dementors..
 |
| I have always admired the beauty of dancing peacock. so i like my patronus to be a peacock. |
In the book professor Dumbledore quotes "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." This is one quote you'll notice in my other articles because it left a mark on my heart and I follow it sincerely.
Step 3: Reach out
There are many things that you can't get out of on your own, reaching out is the best option considering the severity of the problem.
But the question is whom to talk to? Who'll understand all my beat around the bush talks. One might notice the bushes but what if the roots goes unnoticed that are actually tingling me from inside. Will someone ever hear my silent scream and see my invisible tears all by himself or I need to go knock the door??
At first, I tried trail and error method because I didn't had the sure shot formula and because of that I knocked the wrong doors but my mistakes made me strong and think straight.
Next time I tried to write down the names of people whom I treasure. I wrote up there qualities that I appreciate.
BINGO! This was my sure shot formula. This made me reach out to the right person for help.
This not only helps to reach out but also value the people around you.
But the question is whom to talk to? Who'll understand all my beat around the bush talks. One might notice the bushes but what if the roots goes unnoticed that are actually tingling me from inside. Will someone ever hear my silent scream and see my invisible tears all by himself or I need to go knock the door??
At first, I tried trail and error method because I didn't had the sure shot formula and because of that I knocked the wrong doors but my mistakes made me strong and think straight.
Next time I tried to write down the names of people whom I treasure. I wrote up there qualities that I appreciate.
BINGO! This was my sure shot formula. This made me reach out to the right person for help.
This not only helps to reach out but also value the people around you.
Step 4: Courage and faith
Keeping myself isolated in the imaginary cell made things worse. The only thing that could be done is find the courage to speak up. Once courage is found words will fall in line.
Just have faith in yourself and the one whom you have carefully chosen.
Once this stage is complete, you have already won the half battle with anxiety. I specifically mentioned winning here because I used to follow the steps but when the time came to express I backed down or wrote things down on paper and threw it far away or tear it down into pieces and ultimately failed.
So willingness, courage and faith all together makes you a winner.
Just have faith in yourself and the one whom you have carefully chosen.
Once this stage is complete, you have already won the half battle with anxiety. I specifically mentioned winning here because I used to follow the steps but when the time came to express I backed down or wrote things down on paper and threw it far away or tear it down into pieces and ultimately failed.
So willingness, courage and faith all together makes you a winner.
Step 5: Follow your heart
I didn't find anything wrong with my daily tasks and the things I tried to soothe my soul.
The problem was my absent mindedness and lack of zeal. Once I listened the silence that was louder than words, I was back in form.
My courage and faith gave me support which motivated to do the things the way it were done or supposed to be done but now with lots of enthusiasm.
Life is beautiful but you need to open your eyes to see it and heart to feel it.
This is the basic process that asks for lot of will power but once its done one just need to keep updating it. Its a life long process and not just one time show.
Trust me it was not easy to come out of closet. I found a way through writing and sharing.
It was not easy to see myself behind my age group companions but once I realised that there's no race most of my fears faded away. I never gave up on myself. I may not be as successful as them in life but I am not a failure. I am a fighter and my spirits are high and this is what makes me happy.
I don't care how others judge me or on which parameters. Acceptance is not an issue. People will somehow accept you for who you are like you accept others. There acceptance is irrelevant, what matters is how you want them to accept you.
The lesson I learnt is, One person that matters the most is "ME"
Because.....
If there is no me there is no you...
Thanks for reading. Leave your thoughts in the comment section below. Its always a pleasure to read your side of story, that's what this article and my blog is all about....
The problem was my absent mindedness and lack of zeal. Once I listened the silence that was louder than words, I was back in form.
My courage and faith gave me support which motivated to do the things the way it were done or supposed to be done but now with lots of enthusiasm.
Life is beautiful but you need to open your eyes to see it and heart to feel it.
This is the basic process that asks for lot of will power but once its done one just need to keep updating it. Its a life long process and not just one time show.
Trust me it was not easy to come out of closet. I found a way through writing and sharing.
It was not easy to see myself behind my age group companions but once I realised that there's no race most of my fears faded away. I never gave up on myself. I may not be as successful as them in life but I am not a failure. I am a fighter and my spirits are high and this is what makes me happy.
I don't care how others judge me or on which parameters. Acceptance is not an issue. People will somehow accept you for who you are like you accept others. There acceptance is irrelevant, what matters is how you want them to accept you.
The lesson I learnt is, One person that matters the most is "ME"
Because.....
If there is no me there is no you...
***********************
Thanks for reading. Leave your thoughts in the comment section below. Its always a pleasure to read your side of story, that's what this article and my blog is all about....
No comments:
Post a Comment